Found Poem

My dead grandfather's body is growing in my stomach.
It is going to push itself out
and kill me.

There are rats in my stomach
eating their way out.

My stomach has turned to dust.

Shout outs to Miro and Gemma

Josh had an unreasonable fear of heights. Josh was a pilot. He flew for Air New Zealand. His cruising altitude was twenty metres above ground level, and even that made him sweat. He flew so low that he still had to follow streets and weave between hills and buildings. He flew from Wellington to Hamilton and always followed State Highway One.
    One day Josh got pulled over. Even though he followed the road code as well as he could Josh’s plane travelled much faster than a car. The cop gave him a three hundred dollar speeding ticket. When Air New Zealand found out about this they fired Josh. They had a zero tolerance policy. Since he was now unemployed Josh had no way of paying the speeding fine.
    He also had no way of paying rent. Josh was kicked out of his flat without being given a chance to take his things. He tried searching for jobs but the only place hiring was the Sky Tower. They held their interviews on the top floor. Josh didn’t do so well in his interview. He fainted in his chair before he was asked the first question.
    Josh woke up in a hospital. He was completely wrapped in bandages. A nurse explained that he had taken to long to pay the speeding ticket, so the government had repossessed his only possession: his body. They had harvested all of Josh’s organs and he was now kept alive by a state of the art life support system.
    After a few weeks Josh became accustomed to his new life. He didn’t have to do anything on account of being part of a government experiment. He got to watch tv all day. Then one day there was a power cut. The tv screen went blank and Josh’s life support system died.

I Started A Law Firm

I started a law firm called Slap Batman. Here are some of the reasons that it failed:

I called it Slap Batman.

I didn't have a law degree.

It was run out of my bedroom which was on the top floor of an apartment building which was on top of a hill overlooking the city. The hill was made of garbage.

I started the firm because lots of my friends had legal problems. My friends were my only customers and I didn't feel right making them pay because they were my friends.

The first case I took was defending Charles Manson.

I hired a convicted thief as my assistant because they had more experience with the justice system with me. One day when I got back after buying us bagels the apartment was completely empty.

Whenever I went on the internet to research a case I ended up spending three hours on Facebook instead.

I Started A Comic Strip

I Started A Comic Strip called Slap Batman.

DC sued.

I Started A Publishing Company

I started a publishing company called Slap Batman. It was run out of my bedroom which was on the top floor of an apartment building which was on top of a hill overlooking the city.
    I had been reading a lot of free ebooks. I thought: these are to good to be ebooks they should be real books. So what I did was I printed them off from my computer and stapled the pages together.
    I only made one copy of each book. I sat in my chair next to the window when I read the books. As I finished each page I tore it out of the book and folded it into a paper plane which I threw out the window. The idea was that people would pick up the planes and be like “what’s this?”. Then they would unfold and read them. If they liked what they saw they would take the title from the top of the page and put it into Google. Google would show them where to find the free ebook.
    Unfortunately this plan didn’t work. My paper planes never made it to the bottom of the hill because I’m a terrible craftsman. And people didn’t pick up pieces of paper from the hill because it was made of garbage.

I Started A Blog

I started a blog called Slap Batman. The idea was to be one of those super talented writers who give their work away for free. I posted a few of my stories and poems and then told all of my friends to go and read them. I waited three weeks but no one left a single comment.
    Then one day when I was reading the blog of one of those super talented writers who give their work away for free I thought: none of my friends know who this guy is, I could post this poem on Slap Batman and they would think that I wrote it.
    I posted the poem on my blog. It got three comments in three minutes. They were all very positive. So I started to steal more writing from those super talented writers who give their work away for free. Slap Batman got more and more and more successful. Lots of people started reading it. This was good, but it meant I had to be more careful, some of these readers read other writing blogs.
    I had to start stealing from more obscure writers. There were two problems with this. First, most obscure writers are obscure for a reason: they suck. I had to find good, obscure writers who gave their work away for free. Second, the more obscure a writer is the more often they Google themselves. I had to find writers who were not well known enough for people to recognise their work but not obscure enough to find my blog and complain.
    Eventually I had stolen all of the writing this small group of super talented writers who gave their work away for free had written. I was force to move on to those super talented writers who sell their work. This worked fine until I ran out of money. I put up a post asking for donations. None of my thousands of readers donated. So I took it a step further: I made Slap Batman a pay-to-view website.
    I never got another comment.

The Dentist And The Blind Man

The dentist asked the blind man
What do you do?
I'm a writer
said the blind man
But didn't you serve me at McDonalds yesterday?
asked the dentist
The writer said
I don't think so
I'm pretty sure it was you
said the dentist
I'm pretty sure dentists don't eat at McDonalds
said the writer
And anyway I have Fridays off
Then he took out a copy of his book
and slapped the dentist with it
The braille left and imprint on the dentist's face
It said
Don't be a dick to blind people.

Crisis

I figured
I'd get my midlife crisis out of the way
So I could focus on my career.

But afterwards
I was worried
Since I'd had my midlife crisis at 19
Did that mean I'd only live to 38?

I had so much more I wanted to do
I got all stressed out
My blood pressure rose
I had a heart attack
and died at age 20.

To Mum

It was a week before Mothers Day and Tom was happy. He had organised the greatest present ever, it was going to be delivered any day now.
It was the morning of the day before Mothers Day and Tom was worried. The present hadn’t arrived yet. He checked his email. There was an email. It said the present had been confiscated by customs. Tom screamed. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
His Mother came into the room. She asked What’s wrong?
Nothing he replied.
He left the house as if he was going to school, but he really went looking for a replacement present. He looked all day and but he couldn’t find anything good enough. He decided to make her something.
He went home.
He sat at his desk with his pens and paper and scissors and worked for hours. But he couldn’t make anything good enough.
Tom lay on his bed and tried to think of what he could do.
He fell asleep.
When he woke up he looked at the clock 10:30AM
It was too late to do anything and he had slept in too long to even make her breakfast. He walked into the lounge head down.
That was the best Mothers Day present ever! I can’t believe you slept through the whole day so I wouldn’t have to deal with you.
Tom looked at the calendar. It was May tenth.
I stayed up all night to make sure it would work he said.

Basketball

Tom had a swollen middle finger.
On the first day he came to school with it taped to his ring finger.
On the second day they were still taped together
but now there was a popsicle stick between them.
On the third day there was a cast over them.
On the fourth day there was a cast over Tom's whole hand.
On the fifth day there was a cast over his whole arm.
On the sixth day Tom was in a whole body cast.
On the seventh day he played through his injury
and scored seventy four points.

Assassination

The assassins hide around corners on bicycles with periscopes.
They wait until you begin to cross the road
watching through their periscopes.
Then they swoop silently around the corner
and run you down into the gutter
and throw their periscopes at you.
You get cut up by broken beer bottles
then the recycling truck comes and picks you up with them.
At the recycling plant you get melted down,
rolled out flat,
and made into a periscope.

Contortionist

I can fit my whole body
into my stomach.

I can fit the whole world
into my head.

I can fit my whole wardrobe
into my room.

I can fit a whole essay
into one hour.

I can fit a whole semester
into one night.

I can fit a whole season
into one day.

I can fit my whole blog
into one page.

*Applause*

Backwords

Pop goes the weasel; splat goes the cockroach?
I'm sure animals don't make these noises.

All poets bite Aseop fragrantly. Flagrantly? Frequently?
Choose a new image. I'm sick of the tortoise and the hair.
Haircut?
Shortcut?
Crewcut?

Headnodders make us nod our heads to notes we would not agree with if we heeded our heads (no linebreak)

Lets play pimps and hoes!
Pimples and rakes?
Pustules at raves?
Hooray!

Boring
(snoring?NO)

Treatment

When I was seven
I caught cooties

I never realised
until now

When a little girl
told me I smell

And finally everything fell
into place.

How
did I not realise

Those girls weren’t admiring me
they were examining a specimen

They were inspecting
the progress of the parasites.

Perhaps I had potential
to be a ladies man

But the infection
sidetracked me

Before I started
primary school I was good with girls

I even
went to one’s birthday party.

Since then
things haven’t been so swell

My sex life
has been microscopic

Once I cheated
on my left hand with my right

It was the biggest
scandal I’ve ever experienced.

Maybe if start treatment
now I’ll still have a chance.

Cages

They had to operate on my heart
but when they cut my ribs open
they found a cage around my heart.

I told them the key was in my brain
but when they cut my skull open
they found a cage around my brain.

I told them the key was in my stomach
but my abs formed a cage
too strong for them to cut open.

Urinals

When were were little we didn't have many places to go.
The stoners hung out at the playground.
Thirty year olds hung out at the arcade and the comic book store.

So we spent most of our time at the public toilets.
They were fairly typical aside from the urinals
which were scattered all down one wall.
They were all the same shape and size
but different heights, from floor to ceiling.

Head height was always full of vomit.

Ass height was always full of shit.

Ground level always had someone sleeping in it.

We had pissing competitions.
It was like darts
except we were testing strength stamina and aim.

One day I want into the toilets by myself
to practice.
Standing at the lowest urinal was the tallest man I'd ever seen.
His head almost reached the roof.

When he walked outside I followed him.

He walked to a car with big rims.

Before he got in he turned around and said
Want some candy?

No