Short Play 3

1: What time did you get home last night?

2: One thirty, two.

1: That's specific.

2: No I mean between one thirty and two.

1: Oh.

2: Yeah.

2: I could get specific though. I sent Grace a text right when I got home.

1: What time?

2: One thirty two.

Short Play 2

1: Do you know how to do a three point turn?

2: Yes.

1: Why are you taking driving lessons if you can already do a three point turn?

2: I love you. I am taking the lessons so I can spend time with you. Also I'm not confident driving on the motorway.

1: If you can fit this black Ford Explorer between those two red Toyota Corollas on the first try I will marry you.

Cupcakes

I make cupcakes.
I pile cupcakes up high to make a wall.
I make three more walls of cupcakes.
I make a ceiling and a floor of cupcakes.
I make doors and windows of cupcakes.
I make a bed of cupcakes.
I make an oven of cupcakes.
I make a computer of cupcakes.
I make myself hungry with all this making.
I make myself stressed wondering if I should eat my house of cupcakes.
I make up my mind not to because it would ruin the house.
Children come and make holes in my house by eating it.
This makes me sad.
I put the children into my oven of cupcakes.
I make them into cupcakes to fix the holes in my house.
The smell of fresh cupcakes makes me more hungry.

More Old Stuff

Alice called her daughter little miss muffet. She even had a special pillow she sat her on, because that’s what she thought at tuffet was. For some reason little miss muffet and dr. seuss’ work were intertwined in Alice’s memory, so every morning she prepared her child’s breakfast singing: “little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating green eggs and ham.” While she sang Alice poured green into the eggs as she scrambled them.
The name on the birth certificate of Alice’s daughter was not little miss muffet. The certificate read:
Last name: Nulark
First name(s): Jude
Jude’s father had chosen Alice’s daughter’s name. She was not pleased with the decision. He was not pleased with her displeasure. This mutual displeasure eventually led to the removal of Sam from Jude and Alice’s lives. So Alice was the sole caregiver and she called her daughter little miss muffet.
Alice never learnt cooking at school. She never learnt from her mother either. Or her father. To tell the truth eggs were one of the few things she knew how to prepare. As a result of this lack of education Alice turned Jude green.
Alice made her daughter breakfast every day, singing her tune. She used green colouring no.7, the label of which suggested only a few drops would be necessary per serving. The morning after Sam left Alice followed the instructions on the bottle but she was quite disappointed with the result. Experimentation over the next weeks eventually provided an answer to Alice’s problem: half a bottle would turn the eggs sufficiently green.
The mother and daughter enjoyed their first few months without a man around the house. Alice was independent for the first time in her life, and little miss muffet was being well looked after.
On morning Alice went into her daughter’s room to wake her up. She usually woke little miss muffet by opening the curtains and singing her breakfast rhyme. On this day she shook Jude by the shoulder. As soon as her daughter’s eyes opened Alice asked, “Are you okay, do you feel sick?”
“Of course I’m okay mummy,” and a smile were little miss muffet’s reply.
Alice decided her daughter must just need an extra big breakfast and left the room singing.
The next day Jude was even more green but still said she was “just fine mummy”.
After a week Alice got worried. She took little miss muffet to the doctor. The result: “There’s nothing wrong with you little miss Jude.”
And so life continued, little miss muffet getting greener every day, Alice singing her song (the next line of which was: “one fish two fish red fish blue fish“, luckily red roughy and blue cod don’t involve food colouring). Who knows what Sam was doing.

Wish I could still write like this...

She is cool.
Hopes are too.
He isn't cool.
Won't he be jealous of her?
Ask her why he isn't cool he tells himself.
'Why am I not cool?' he asks.
'Because of your hair' she replys.
She grabs a lock of his crazy spirally hair.
'Isn't curly hair cool?'
'Sure it is, but yours is mega curly so it out-cools you.'
Herself is quite conscious of her own perfectly waved hair. She feels bad for Tom. Wonders whether she should apologise. 'How?' She questions herself. Many seconds later she clears her throat. Years it seems since the awkward silence began. He glances at her expecting her to speak. Looks are shot between the two of them. As he starts to walk away she taps his shoulder. If only her popular girl pride wasn't in the way she would say sorry. He turns back to her. 'Might be something embarrasing she wants to say' he wonders. 'Be cool and act friendly' he thinks.

Patchwork

Snow falls in patchwork. Pink and Green and Yellow. When the sun opens its eyes the colours melt into a brown puddle. Cats come and drink the brown. Their hair falls out and their skin turns scaly. They start coughing. Eventually they fall over and stop moving. The sun closes its eyes and snow comes down to cover the cats.

Snake

There is a snake eating my foot.
Why is the a snake eating my foot.
I don’t understand why there is a snake eating my foot.
My foot is bleeding.
The snake has eaten half of my foot.
Where did this snake come from.
My foot hurts.
Where has the rest of my foot gone.
The snake is injecting venom into my foot.
My foot is inside the snake.
I cannot move my foot.
I cannot feel my foot.
I am falling over.
How much can this snake eat.
I am lying in my own blood.
The snake is eating my leg.

I am working on a beard

First I'll build the side burns.
Which will connect onto the mustache.
The mustache will bend down to join the goatee.
The goatee will spread under my chin
and from there over my adams apple
and all the way down the front my neck.
The neck hair will blend into chest hair,
which will somehow find a way to flow into a snail trail.
Obviously the snail trail will lead into pubic hair,
which will coat my balls and curl around to cover my ass.
From my ass the hair will work its way up my back
and finally connect to the hair on my scalp.

Because all these hairs are part of the same construction
I will find it strange when Mum tells me to remove my beard.
Why would she ask me to shave my balls?

The Richest Man In The World

The richest man in the world was not a nice man.

There was a nice man who worked for the richest man in the world.

The nice man was loved by everyone.

The richest man in the world hated him for it.

So the richest man in the world decided to have the nice man killed.

He hired another one of his employees to kill the nice man.

The richest man in the world was pleased when the nice man had been killed.

But he soon realised that he couldn’t trust the killer to keep the secret.

So the richest man in the world hired a second killer to get rid of the first killer.

The richest man in the world was pleased when the first killer had been killed.

But then he realised that he couldn’t trust the second killer to keep the secret.

So he hired a third killer.

And a fourth.

And a fifth.

Eventually there were only three people left in the world: the richest man in the world, the seven billionth killer, and woman who was about to become killer number seven billion and one.

The richest man in the world planned to have the woman kill the seven billionth killer and then to kill the woman himself.

Then he would not only be the richest man in the world, he would also own everything in the world.

Things didn’t go according to the richest man in the world’s plan.

He called the woman into his office.

He gave her the instructions.

The he gave her a gun.

She shot the richest man in the world.

Then her and her husband, the seven billionth killer, lived happily ever after.

Christmas

Snowflakes fall like ninja stars.
They slice my face to ribbons.
I peel the ribbons off my head
and tie them around presents.
I send the presents to my vegan friends.
They are disgusted
and send the presents back to me.
I get to eat all the chocolates.

Umbrellas

Umbrellas will rain from the sky. We will have special umbrellas to protect us from the umbrellas. I will build a staircase of books. We will climb it all the way to the clouds. Halfway up we will get tired, so we will stop and read a book. When we get to the top Jesus will give us high fives. He will have eight arms. Then he will push us over. We will fall from the clouds. We will be impaled on umbrellas. His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Short Play 1

1: Why are you wearing that gay jacket?

2: Why are you wearing that straight jacket?

Dinner

I slit my wrists and suck spaghetti from my veins.
My intestines turn the spaghetti to blood.
The cycle continues like a gorilla eating its own vomit.